a dirty little secret

Ok, shh, I'm about to tell you a secret about me. NO, not that one. Dammit, why did you have to bring that up? We said we'd never talk about it again. You fucking promised. Shit, I don't even want to do this anymore. Shit. Give me a sec.

Ok, this secret is brand new. It's been simmering for a few weeks now and I now I can no longer deny it.

I like Wal-Mart.

Honestly, it took a long time for this love to bloom. I'd always been depressed by previous interactions with Wal-Marts throughout my life, but then they built one just down the street from me. I remained nonplussed. Like they had imitation crab, but not the brand I really like. So ok, mildly convenient, but. meh.

Until the Saturday morning I was running around like a madwoman--Fatima, my saintly housekeeper who I'm sure sees gross and disgusting shit of mine but would never betray me, was over, when I realised that I had no money to pay her or the wood floor polish she uses special for me. Because she loves me. So I raced up to Wal-Mart, figuring they would have the polish and then planned to pop over to the drive-up ATM where I was already bracing myself to get behind the person who hasn't been to a bank in a few years but has decided this morning to conduct approximately 93 transactions at the ATM including buying stamps, a balance transfer, and procuring a mini-statement.

Got the polish and found an open register--saw the option for cash back and asked the lady what the max was and she said $100. $100! I was expecting $20, maybe $50. Wal-Mart has gone big time. But hooray, it meant one less stop. I held Wal-Mart's hand all the way home.

Since then, I have purchased 4 beautiful bougainvilla plants on the cheap (did I have to look up how to spell that? yes, I did), spray paint for my front porch railings, a battery charger thingy, poison ivy killer concentrate, a big fluffy dog pillow for Miss Lu, and a massive container of pina colada gum. I like pina colada. Plus there was a weird visit where I ended up buying index cards, a steak, and a copy of Raging Bull.

In conclusion, Wal-Mart and I are more than just friends now. I think we may go all the way!